Tired of "Keeping Busy"

The poem below was read to the yoga class I attended and again as we are nearing the end of the practice.  Both times the poem was read, the words resonated with me and where I am in my life.  For the longest time I have been in a rut, both mentally, physically and emotionally.  Attending this yoga class and trying to break away from the things to "keep me busy" has been starting a small revolution within myself.  Reading, more yoga, writing, attending to my goals, to my aspirations help the busy-ness of my days - if only I can do these things in longer time blocks.  During the times I keep from "being busy" I will listen for my song.

Going to the mountains has always been a strong reconnection and grounding experience for me.  Whatever the trees I am surrounded by I am able to refill my cup of nature, of love, of patience.  Yet, there is something spiritual about being surrounded by thousands of aspen trees.  The small giants, straight, curved, twisted, however they want to grow, they grow.  Their leaves dance like chimes with wind.  In Autumn, when the leaves fall, it is seeing a gold littered ground.  A great friend has a print of a large field of aspen trees.  The front of the print is a dark tone.  As the trees move toward the back, center of the print, it becomes lighter, a clearing almost.  This has always brought my attention back to myself.  Mesmerized by this print, knowing currently I am in the dark tones but as I keep moving, the light shines through and leads me out.  I would love to have that print with this poem painted onto it.

Do not try to save the whole world or do anything grandiose.  Instead, create a clearing in the dense forest of your life and wait there patiently, until the song that is your life falls into your own cupped hands and you recognize and greet it. Only then will you know how to give yourself to this world so worth of rescue.
                                                                                                   ~Martha Postlewaite

13 Years in, 6 Years Out

Thousands of times I have tried to contact you, to talk to you.  Many letters I have started, etching my words, my story, my emotions, only to tear up each one.  I wish for the day we can see each other again, the day I can hug you tightly.  Jr., you meant so much to me even if it was hard for you to see.  I took out unnecessary frustrations out on you.  I am sorry for my actions.

After 13 years of being in your life, I left and I didn't know how to keep you in my life.  I didn't know who I was, where I was, where I wanted to go, who I wanted to be.  I thought it would be easy for you if I disappeared from your life.  Maybe it was, but I hope I am wrong.  Not that I would want to cause you more pain, but the thought of you questioning why I left and didn't keep in touch, the thought of you cursing my name, the thought of you still wanting me in your life, needing me consumes my thoughts.  I am sorry for disappearing.

You are now 23 years old and surely taking all life's wonders into your heart and soul, absorbing, growing and loving.  My heart remains open to the boy I helped raised for 13 years.  I want to hear about every experience you have had during our long six years apart.  I want to hear your voice, to hear your smile and your laugh. Are you still succeeding in soccer, do you own your own dog, have you traveled the world... a few of the many questions I have racing in my mind so often.  LJ, I want the most awesome son back in my life, I hope someday you have the same wish for me.  I come across the many cards and letters you have written me over the years, my heart fills with love and my eyes fill with tears.  There is a void in my heart.

No explanation or story will correct what happened or why I left but I do hope you leave a small window in your heart to let me be back in.  I love you LJ.  I miss you.