Do More

 

 

 

Do more than exist, live. 

Do more than touch, feel. 

Do more than look, observe. 

Do more than read, absorb. 

Do more than hear, listen. 

Do more than listen, understand. 

Do more than think, ponder. 

Do more than talk, say something.

         ~John H Rhoades

Where is the Emotion, the Feeling?

Five years ago, in Spring of 2010 I met him, feel in love.  Numerous "fill in the blanks" why, I did.  He did the little things I love and meant so much to me, holding my hands, kissing me, really kissing me.  Pick me up and squeeze me, holding me close to him.  He listened to me, talked to me.

Throughout the years he changed, I changed.  But we did not change and grow together.

Five years later, I couldn't do it anymore.  Numerous "fill in the blanks" why, not another minute.   When I said the words, "I'm breaking up with you."  There was no begging for me to stay, no questions as to why, no determination to work on what went wrong.  In my car, I drive out of the driveway slowly, looking in my rearview mirror only to find he is not chasing my car down the street.  Since then, no phone calls,  they only texts I receive are those saying "this piece of mail came for yo. I miss you."  I do not doubt he misses me, but I feel the same void as before.  An emptiness that was already there, it just grew louder when I left.

I miss him, who he was.  I miss our first years together.  There was too much wrong, disconnect in our relationship to return, but I do miss him.

like water

Defined as Burnout

Last night my sis and I were talking about our woes, it wasn't until my walk to the post office today that it sunk in with my of what I told her.  During the conversation I said, "My adult interaction through my work days are short, some 30 seconds some 5 minutes, but it's all about what others need, what they want."  I continued saying, "These conversations I have are not about making decisions, they're not real conversation, they are about appeasing others and ensuring their needs are taken care of."  

That said, I am listening to a book by Parker J. Palmer, Let Your Life Speak; walking to the post office I had this plugged into my ear.   In chapter 3, Palmer begins to explain what burnout is, he describes it as doing something you are not passionate about and "burning out" on the needs, the actions, on the people involved.  Too many times I have experience this!

Today I am burned out of taking dictations from others.  I am burned out from defending my roles, my opinions, my actions.  I am  burned out from not having healthy adult interactions in business.  I am burned out from not living my potential, not living my passion.  You ask why I don't change this, because of shame, because of vulnerability. 

Not long ago I was questioning why I am afraid of this and why I hesitate on accomplishing that.  Turning these questions inside, I realized it is shame and vulnerability, so I wrote a letter to my shame and to my vulnerability, outing them both and willing them out of my life.  Perhaps if I post it, then it will happen :)  It is amazing how I have let both shame and vulnerability rule my life for so long. 

Enough of my pity party and enough of my burnouts!  I am trading my donkey in for a horse, trading my weaknesses for my limits and trading my potentials for my strengths (Limits and Potential, Palmer). 

Here's to doing more!  

     

Any Given Moment

~Ritu Ghatourey

Hold My Hand

If I have lost confidence...