Vulnerability and Me

What makes you feel vulnerable?  There is list in front of me with my vulnerabilities, I will share them later with you.  Before they are revealed, I want to share with you a Ted Talk I have just watched me for my second time, TedTalks Brene Brown.  The first time I watched it I listened, I nodded my head, and was caught mumbling, "yes, I do that to myself."  Then closed the window from which it was being played.  But it wasn't until this second time that I said, "Oh my god, I am afraid of being vulnerable."  Then began writing some words Brene was saying, clicking the mouse a little to the left from the end of the red line while the video continued to play, brining it back to the spot I was still stuck on.

Here is what I wrote: Shame and fear.  What are mine?  How am I going to conquer them?  What is my self-worthiness?   What is my strong sense of belonging and love?  As Brene continued to talk I continued to quote her in my catch all notebook (CAN Brook Noel), "I am worthy of love and belonging!"  "I am worthy of connection!"  In her speech she noted from her research what most people had in common, courage, compassion, connection, and vulnerability, and these I noted on as well.  As all four focused my attention inward, it wasn't until she said, "Fully embraced vulnerability, they believed that what made them vulnerable made them beautiful."  The combined words here struck a loud cord inside me as I have struggled far too long from the items on my list of vulnerabilities.

It is clear to me that I need to conquer my fears, first to fully write them out then to tackle them one by one (trying my old technique of tackling them five by three has failed one two many times).  How am I going to feel once I conquer the first one my list?  Will this empowerment (hoping this is what I feel) take me forward to the next on my list?  However I get to each vulnerability on my list, knowing that I can acknowledge them and construct them in a way for change, means that I have come further than a year ago, five years ago, 20 years ago.  I can't wait to see how much I have been able to change my life, my vulnerabilities  my outcome by writing and acknowledging.

A few of my vulnerabilities are being critiqued of my writing, yes!  I love to write, I love to express my feeling through words on a screen and paper, yet I feel vulnerable when people close in my life read what I type, what I post, the words fit into a greeting card, or how I construct a few words together.  Wow, look at me here expressing so much.

Another is getting to close to people.  So many great, wonderful, loving, and horrible people have come and gone from my life and all have left enormous tracks on my heart and soul; many have left without explanation, few I have left them with no explanation.  Many have left while their cold, hard rock left their hand, flying towards me; then, it finally hits and the pain enters again.

You want another one?  Courage.  Standing in front of a mirror.  Now that my teeth look fabulous (thank you Dr. Berg) I like more mirrors a lot more. But I am imperfect.  My body is imperfect.  I will have the courage to stand in front of any mirror (yes, even the dreadful retail store mirrors) and love every imperfect mark and bulge on my body.

Another?  No silly, its your turn to share.  Tell me what your vulnerabilities are.  What makes you go numb to vulnerable actions?

"I am enough!"

Cheers to my vulnerable people ;)