Thousands of times I have tried to contact you, to talk to you. Many letters I have started, etching my words, my story, my emotions, only to tear up each one. I wish for the day we can see each other again, the day I can hug you tightly. Jr., you meant so much to me even if it was hard for you to see. I took out unnecessary frustrations out on you. I am sorry for my actions.
After 13 years of being in your life, I left and I didn't know how to keep you in my life. I didn't know who I was, where I was, where I wanted to go, who I wanted to be. I thought it would be easy for you if I disappeared from your life. Maybe it was, but I hope I am wrong. Not that I would want to cause you more pain, but the thought of you questioning why I left and didn't keep in touch, the thought of you cursing my name, the thought of you still wanting me in your life, needing me consumes my thoughts. I am sorry for disappearing.
You are now 23 years old and surely taking all life's wonders into your heart and soul, absorbing, growing and loving. My heart remains open to the boy I helped raised for 13 years. I want to hear about every experience you have had during our long six years apart. I want to hear your voice, to hear your smile and your laugh. Are you still succeeding in soccer, do you own your own dog, have you traveled the world... a few of the many questions I have racing in my mind so often. LJ, I want the most awesome son back in my life, I hope someday you have the same wish for me. I come across the many cards and letters you have written me over the years, my heart fills with love and my eyes fill with tears. There is a void in my heart.
No explanation or story will correct what happened or why I left but I do hope you leave a small window in your heart to let me be back in. I love you LJ. I miss you.
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